WEEK AT THE GYM

小叶子

If you read this without laughing out-loud, there is something
6 M: }' L# w5 \5 jwrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get
into a regular workout routine.
# `3 J, N! H1 j' Y5 N2 F3 ~# W
& V2 G1 t/ D3 ~' N) N" _Dear Diary:

2 N& y: y2 L; a, _6 a! p% Q7 {$ T5 E1 o, OFor my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a
$ ~" L. X1 y* t1 sweek of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
! L! R6 r$ Y( Y% g: _+ A; jam still in great shape since playing on my college football team 25
; z  ~2 ]" \7 b7 nyears ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a
try. I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer
/ Z, Z" s' ]; q& Y5 ynamed Belinda, who identified herself as a 26 yr. old aerobics
instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.
% v% V  [7 K5 T  W
* w, k( Q8 |# s4 tMy wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
! u& L" O! ]% O; G* f5 ?1 |encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY:
/ l/ z% U# j7 R: R$ p
Started my day at 6 am. Tough to get out of bed, but it was well
7 Z( v- ]4 k! r2 q' u! W" p$ C7 mworth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for
me. She was something of a Greek goddess-- with blonde hair, dancing
eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!!!!

She took my pulse after 5 minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed
that my pulse was so fast, but I attributed it to standing next to her
in her Lycra aerobics outfit. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in
2 |. N) K' p$ c9 F7 ywhich she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today.
: A# }- @: H2 \% X; V
Very inspiring, Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups,
5 V, n$ v0 h* |7 _; W' c2 P1 S, ]although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she
4 D/ D1 K- h& |  S  l9 vwas around.

; h' [3 F, v/ m) l3 vThis is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

TUESDAY:
8 h! ~/ j2 j( g. V6 q" RI drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air,
3 n2 C3 K" h; s/ zand then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it
all worthwhile.
' w* q6 r) ~' D' s. a4 \
I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY:
0 o. N' @: ^2 A8 a) \5 n. B0 [8 YThe only way I can brush my teeth is by lying on the toothbrush on
$ g, g& k4 J! _& o4 Hthe counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have
8 u* _/ R+ R" p3 c; }2 C& da hernia in both pectorals. Driving was okay as long as I didn't try to
steer or stop. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams
- ~$ u2 w: \  _: j4 f$ [, W0 tbothered the other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for
5 P3 f4 C0 S- Nearly in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine
that is VERY annoying. My chest hurts when I got on the treadmill, so
& k0 Q( R" n: [; _  e; Q4 hBelinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a
3 ^) W; N4 k0 L  Y+ e1 `8 G" Y8 L7 m! @machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda
) S1 n! Y% C1 O! I, F2 B8 xtold me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as
2 D# `% x% T" z7 i0 R' Pher thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help
# m* n4 z0 W& r4 Z1 J" W7 d: z- N5 Vbeing a half hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda
took me to workout with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and
6 j6 B9 I' P5 A& ]; d( `hid in the men's room.
" J; G6 ^  @8 J! U
  U- o8 k  u! ^4 M6 a7 V! Y& [She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing
machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY:
I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated
/ J. r* k! Z3 L) V- C( Bany other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny,
( v" E/ F2 i1 x) L& |) yanemic little cheerleading bitch. If there were a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda
! n. T0 [% ~! M  h- T/ Ewanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

# F2 q" e- c7 v$ y& p. v9 e& r2 dAnd if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me
the*&%#(#&** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
) k# u1 i' D+ u3 W1 Vteacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?

SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating,
shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her
5 ~8 I0 V7 U4 i) Umade me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
7 H' P& Q  x1 a# E( @- H9 Thours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY:
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go
( e( }7 q0 M) l! z8 b4 d- eand thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year,
my wife (the other bitch), will choose a gift for me that is fun --like
a root canal or a vasectomy!

OliveOil

You are absolutely wrong! But my stomach hurts because I can't laugh out loud in the office... oh good lord...

junglebell

Lazycat

lington

root canal, I almosted end up getting one last year. Thanks to the dentist.